At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
