If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
high people should be assigned attendants
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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