Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here