if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
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I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts