I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
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I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.