life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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