3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing