Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
