I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
