uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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