like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
