i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
