i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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