Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
do nipples grow back?
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