recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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