someone threw a dead crab at me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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