I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
