so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
