Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
