saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
