last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
