why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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