what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
