i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
