Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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