i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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