Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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