he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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