remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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