dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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