i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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