I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
