so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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