I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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