I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
