those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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