**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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