Apparently you make a good broom.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
