I will die if light touches me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
