get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
