"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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