I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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