Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
