my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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