I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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