508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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