After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
