Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
