some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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