I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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