Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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