You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Two words: blizzard sex
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize