when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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