i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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