I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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