I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
