It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
