do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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